|A "Boobles" devouring a "saccharine trap"|
-Boobles the Bear
-A singing trout toy
"The Origin of The Blunder"
Mission Log 13-34-2020
Commander Rabnir Divir of the 34th Galactic Strike Force, reporting.
We have entered the orbit of Earth and are gearing for an offensive strike. Intelligence gathered by our scientists and statisticians has indicated a pattern of increasing weakness in the inhabitants due to lapses in natural selection. The inhabitants—designated HUMAN—are known to possess dangerous levels of curiosity, and though their bodies seem to be weaker and flabbier, there are those who persist in testing the limits of HUMAN comprehension of space by venturing further and further outside the bounds of their nether space in the name of so-called "exploration." Such activity has been deemed threatening at levels ranging from ignorant to outright hostile. The Galactic Council has seen fit to commission a Strike Force to quash any further attempts at infringing on our star-space before it moves further. We are well-equipped to subdue these beings—
"Commander Divir, sir!"
"AUGH!" The commander nearly jumped out of his fluorescent-green skin as the recording device suddenly mistook his diverted attention as an ending and dropped out of the air onto his head. "Garn-fossel, captain!" He grumbled. "Have I not told you to announce your approach?"
The captain bobbed his eyestalks nervously. "I just did, Commander."
Divir fingered the dent in his face-plate. "What is it?"
"We are making our descent. The pilot wishes to inform you that we will touch ground on the land of Canada in approximately forty biggles."
Commander Divir flapped his ear-lobes to express his happiness. "Very good; have the troop make ready."
The captain hesitated. The commander bent his eyestalks in suspicion.
"What is it?"
The captain's eyestalks wriggled. "Umm, sir—just out of curiosity, why Canada?"
Commander Divir pushed out his chest. "Because, dear Captain, the Scientists of Blunder have established that Canada is the largest land mass with many docile humans inhabiting its surface. Armed with our sonic passivity emitters, we will lull them into a sense of inexorable well-being, at which point we will round them up and slaughter them en masse!"
The captain pulled out the device he had received from the armory. "This is the emitter? How does it work, precisely?"
Commander Divir accepted the mechanism, holding it to expose the switch to activate the power. "You engage the device like so." He flipped the switch, and both Blunderers could hear the whirring components inside. The sonic emitter began writhing and squealing with many strange tones, bellowing in a garbled language,
"Here's a little song I wrote,
You might want to sing it note for note,
Don't worry; be happy."
At the center of the hard, smooth base, a long, worm-like appendage flopped and wriggled. Small dots at one end seemed to represent eyes over a gaping mouth-like opening, while small fins on its body and its base flapped in quick, strange little jerky movements. Divir cringed and flipped the switch, ceasing the noise and music.
The poor captain's eyestalks wavered and flopped perilously. "What was that?" He wailed. "What does it mean?"
Divir handed the device back to him. "Linguists have not been able to discern the meaning of these strange words, but evidence showed that this song in particular induced high levels of peacefulness in the humans. Apparently, this creature," he pointed to the floppy portion of the emitter, "is also associated with calm and relaxation. A trout, I believe it is called. Some sources say that the humans will attempt to hunt down and slaughter as many trout as possible, and call it ‘vacation.’ The bigger the trout, the more proud and accomplished they feel."
“Oh the savagery!” the captain wailed. “Indeed, now I understand why they must be stopped.”
Commander Divir’s comm bleeped. “The team is ready, sir!”
Divir nodded. “Let’s move.”
The two officers made their way to the main deck of the ship. Everything was in order; Commander Rabnir Divir surveyed his unit proudly. Everyone had their sonic emitter strapped to their shoulder, and had also removed the aural attachments on that side, to ensure they remained focused and not distracted by the "passi-mitter."
The ramp lowered, and the 34th Galactic Strike Force officially took its first steps onto Earth.
Mission Log 13-35-2020
Captain Ecniv Sevarg of the 34th Galactic Strike Force, reporting.
To whom it may concern, the attempted subjugation of Earth has failed utterly, and I am the only survivor.
Our first indication that this mission would not go as planned came when we entered the dense foliage near the landing site. One of our number encountered a minefield of saccharine traps concealed in hollow logs, complete with flying black projectiles which attacked us. The saccharine secretion burned our skin, and the wailing seemed to attract other beings on whom the passivity emitters had little to no effect. In fact, one predator in particular seemed more angered by the devices than assuaged by them. It attacked us with claws, attempting to rend the mechanism to pieces. I was only just able to acquire the name of this creature, according to this photograph I discovered: it is called Boobles the Bear, and it is presented by Ottawa Circus. The last I saw, this Boobles monster grabbed Commander Divir and began consuming the saccharine substance—and the commander with it! His last words bade me to communicate that he died bravely, and he ordered those of us that remained—far fewer, now that other creatures arrived, possibly more attracted to the saccharine than to the sound of breaking passivity devices—to save ourselves, as he nobly sacrificed himself.
In all that time, we did not once see those apathetic, weak humans that were our intended target. I can only assume that these other aggressive beasts have overrun them, and done the work of obliterating the human race. Hence, there is no longer a reason for us to strike against them. In a dramatic turn of events, we have confirmed that a human invasion will never happen.
I propose that this sort of fortunate tactical error be hereafter referred to as a Blunder.
Captain Ecniv Sevarg, signing off.
Single Posts:#26 "The Tides of Battle"