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| A "Boobles" devouring a "saccharine trap" |
The List:
-Boobles the Bear
-Canada
-2020
-A singing trout toy
The Result:
"The Origin of The Blunder"
Mission Log 13-34-2020
Commander Rabnir Divir of the 34th Galactic Strike Force,
reporting.
We have entered the orbit of Earth and are gearing for an
offensive strike. Intelligence gathered by our scientists and statisticians has
indicated a pattern of increasing weakness in the inhabitants due to lapses in
natural selection. The inhabitants—designated HUMAN—are known to possess
dangerous levels of curiosity, and though their bodies seem to be weaker and
flabbier, there are those who persist in testing the limits of HUMAN
comprehension of space by venturing further and further outside the bounds of
their nether space in the name of so-called "exploration." Such
activity has been deemed threatening at levels ranging from ignorant to
outright hostile. The Galactic Council has seen fit to commission a Strike
Force to quash any further attempts at infringing on our star-space before it
moves further. We are well-equipped to subdue these beings—
"Commander Divir, sir!"
"AUGH!" The commander nearly jumped out of his
fluorescent-green skin as the recording device suddenly mistook his diverted
attention as an ending and dropped out of the air onto his head.
"Garn-fossel, captain!" He grumbled. "Have I not told you to
announce your approach?"
The captain bobbed his eyestalks nervously. "I just
did, Commander."
Divir fingered the dent in his face-plate. "What is
it?"
"We are making our descent. The pilot wishes to inform
you that we will touch ground on the land of Canada in approximately forty
biggles."
Commander Divir flapped his ear-lobes to express his
happiness. "Very good; have the troop make ready."
The captain hesitated. The commander bent his eyestalks in
suspicion.
"What is it?"
The captain's eyestalks wriggled. "Umm, sir—just out of
curiosity, why Canada?"
Commander Divir pushed out his chest. "Because, dear
Captain, the Scientists of Blunder have established that Canada is the largest
land mass with many docile humans inhabiting its surface. Armed with our sonic
passivity emitters, we will lull them into a sense of inexorable well-being, at
which point we will round them up and slaughter them en masse!"
The captain pulled out the device he had received from the
armory. "This is the emitter? How does it work, precisely?"
Commander Divir accepted the mechanism, holding it to expose
the switch to activate the power. "You engage the device like so." He
flipped the switch, and both Blunderers could hear the whirring components
inside. The sonic emitter began writhing and squealing with many strange tones,
bellowing in a garbled language,
"Here's a little song I wrote,
You might want to sing it note for note,
Don't worry; be happy."
At the center of the hard, smooth base, a long, worm-like
appendage flopped and wriggled. Small dots at one end seemed to represent eyes
over a gaping mouth-like opening, while small fins on its body and its base
flapped in quick, strange little jerky movements. Divir cringed and flipped the
switch, ceasing the noise and music.
The poor captain's eyestalks wavered and flopped perilously.
"What was that?" He wailed. "What does it mean?"
Divir handed the device back to him. "Linguists have
not been able to discern the meaning of these strange words, but evidence
showed that this song in particular induced high levels of peacefulness in the
humans. Apparently, this creature," he pointed to the floppy portion of
the emitter, "is also associated with calm and relaxation. A trout, I
believe it is called. Some sources say that the humans will attempt to hunt
down and slaughter as many trout as possible, and call it ‘vacation.’ The
bigger the trout, the more proud and accomplished they feel."
“Oh the savagery!” the captain wailed. “Indeed, now I
understand why they must be stopped.”
Commander Divir’s comm bleeped. “The team is ready, sir!”
Divir nodded. “Let’s move.”
The two officers made their way to the main deck of the
ship. Everything was in order; Commander Rabnir Divir surveyed his unit
proudly. Everyone had their sonic emitter strapped to their shoulder, and had
also removed the aural attachments on that side, to ensure they remained
focused and not distracted by the "passi-mitter."
The ramp lowered, and the 34th Galactic Strike Force
officially took its first steps onto Earth.
Mission Log 13-35-2020
Captain Ecniv Sevarg of the 34th Galactic Strike Force,
reporting.
To whom it may concern, the attempted subjugation of Earth
has failed utterly, and I am the only survivor.
Our first indication that this mission would not go as
planned came when we entered the dense foliage near the landing site. One of
our number encountered a minefield of saccharine traps concealed in hollow
logs, complete with flying black projectiles which attacked us. The saccharine
secretion burned our skin, and the wailing seemed to attract other beings on
whom the passivity emitters had little to no effect. In fact, one predator in
particular seemed more angered by the devices than assuaged by them. It
attacked us with claws, attempting to rend the mechanism to pieces. I was only
just able to acquire the name of this creature, according to this photograph I
discovered: it is called Boobles the Bear, and it is presented by Ottawa
Circus. The last I saw, this Boobles monster grabbed Commander Divir and began
consuming the saccharine substance—and the commander with it! His last words
bade me to communicate that he died bravely, and he ordered those of us that
remained—far fewer, now that other creatures arrived, possibly more attracted
to the saccharine than to the sound of breaking passivity devices—to save
ourselves, as he nobly sacrificed himself.
In all that time, we did not once see those apathetic, weak
humans that were our intended target. I can only assume that these other
aggressive beasts have overrun them, and done the work of obliterating the
human race. Hence, there is no longer a reason for us to strike against them.
In a dramatic turn of events, we have confirmed that a human invasion will
never happen.
I propose that this sort of fortunate tactical error be
hereafter referred to as a Blunder.
Captain Ecniv Sevarg, signing off.
Continuous Stories:
Crossover Parts: "Rendezvous" (SM 6/SL 2) "The Viking and the Lore-Master" (SM 9/SL 4)
Single Posts:
#26 "The Tides of Battle"
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